The Fantasy Fanfiction Schola
by DeeSarrachi
Summary: This Schola is like nothing you've seen before. Watch out for our solitary staff guardian. Beware the plants and animals. With magic, anything is possible. And is very likly to happen, especially if a lesson can be learned.
1. A schoolful of chaos

Disclaimer: The original OFUM belongs to Miss Cam. I'm not worthy to kiss the ground she's walked on. Well, okay, maybe I am, but still, the rights to this are hers, not mine. Got it? Good. Mini-Balrogs are hers too. The characters all belong to their respective authors, except Dee (she's mine) and Laura (she's mine too). 

Brief A/N: I've decided to start this school now, when there aren't any problems, to prevent problems in the future. To sign up, use the form on my bio and email the completed form to me at the email in the bio. Thanks! ^.^ 

~~~ 

It was a beautiful day. The sun shone warmly, and a handful of fluffy clouds dotted the sky. The area for miles around was fairly flat. It was the perfect place for a school. 

Dee squinted against the light at the large building. "I don't know..." she said carefully. "It seems to be missing something." 

"What could it be missing?" asked the teenaged boy beside her. His dark hair was messy, and his gray-green eyes glared reproachfully at the girl. "It has as many plants as Rosethorn and I could add without 'em all dying on us." 

"I know that, Briar." said Dee distractedly. "But it needs something _else_." She thought for a moment. "Oh!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Duh! It needs a Latin motto!" 

The boy named Briar wrinkled his nose. "Why? It looks fine." 

Dee shrugged. "Just to make it look fancy," she said. "But what should it be? It'll have to be on a brass plaque, I think." 

Briar sighed. "You'll be wanting Daja, then?" When Dee nodded, he sighed again. "I'll see if I can fetch her." 

"Good," said Dee, already trying to come up with a motto. "It'd help if I _knew_ Latin..." she muttered impatiently. 

After a few moments of Dee's mumbled thoughts, a dark-skinned girl trotted up. "Briar, what did you need? I was working in the forge." 

For a moment, Dee was startled. "There's a _forge_ here?" she asked incredulously. "Maybe I should double-check the plans..." 

"Oh, you needed something? Well, what is it? I have rods heating." 

"What are you making?" asked Briar curiously. 

"Nails. I'm _always_ making nails." replied Daja crossly. 

"Ahem." said Dee, half-smiling at the exchange between the mages. "I think we need a brass plaque, engraved with our motto. D'you think you can do that?" 

"We have a motto?" asked Daja skeptically. 

"Apparently." muttered Briar under his breath. 

"Yes," said Dee proudly. "It's...nunquam lamiae morde me dice*, " she said, stumbling slightly over the Latin. 

Both Daja and Briar looked confused over this. "I...see..." said Daja slowly. "When do you want this...plaque?" 

"Oh, whenever's fine." replied Dee airily. 

Briar shook his head. "Girls." he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets and turning away. 

Both Daja and Dee simultaneously stuck their tongues out at his retreating back, before Daja walked back to the forge. 

Dee looked up at the school. The large building was a cross between a temple and a castle, with no shortage of gardens and wooded areas. The teenaged course coordinator couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride as she stared at the school. It had taken nearly forever to get all the teachers to agree on a design, but now the Fantasy Fanfiction Schola was ready for opening. Dee grinned happily. "This is gonna be _fun_." she whispered. "Well," she amended, "fun for me and the teachers, anyway." 

~~~ 

Unlike the tranquil setting outside, the interior of the Schola was pure chaos. Teachers of all ages and species raced around, attempting to prepare for the arrival of students. 

Dee sidestepped a pair of cats, dodged around a basilisk, and ducked under some low-flying Stormwings to get to her office. After cleaning some imaginary dust off the shining nameplate, she opened the door and collapsed against it. 

"Hoo boy." she said softly. Panic was starting to set in as she thought about what she was going to have to do. With a sudden gasp, she remembered something: there was no security for the staff section! 

"Oh bad, oh bad, oh bad bad bad." she said out loud to her office. Forcing herself to calm down, she told herself (and her chair) that with all the mages running around, _someone_ could surely cast a protective spell. The calm faded as the infinite possibilities of something going wrong crashed into her mind. 

This wasn't going well. None of the students had even arrived yet, and she was already having a panic attack. 

She was just staring to hyperventilate when a soft knock sounded on the door. Welcoming any distraction, Dee stood up off the door and pulled it carefully open. On the other side stood a slim blue dragon, about four feet long, including her tail. The young dragon chirped loudly to be heard over the bedlam in the hallway. 

"Hello Kitten." said Dee. "Does Daine want to see me about something?" 

Kitten--her real name was Skysong, though most people forgot that--nodded, beckoning the girl out into the hall. 

Dee followed the dragon through the Schola, waving to people she knew. Now that she had something to do, the panic was ebbing away, replaced once again with pride in the school and joy at being a part of it. 

Kitten stopped at an oak wood door, knocking on it with a forepaw. 

Dee looked at the door, cocking her head. "This isn't Daine's room, Kit. Are we supposed to be here?" 

Kitten gave an angry sounding trill as the door opened. The dragon stalked in, turning to give Dee a slightly reproachful look, before sitting on a stool placed near the fireplace. 

"Good, you found it." said a soft voice from Dee's left. A teenager, though older then Dee, sat on another stool, her brown curls pulled back by a hair tie. "Numair added this room, since you didn't really have a place for exchanging packages." 

"So, he made us a mail room?" asked Dee. She _had_ forgotten one, as well as forgetting that one might be needed. "And why'd you send Kit instead of coming yourself, Daine?" 

Daine smiled. "_I'm_ not going out into that." she said. "Besides, I'm watching the mail. You have a package." She pointed at a crate that was sitting on the desk. 

Curious, Dee walked over to it. A note was attached. About to just open the box, Dee decided to read the note when her package gave a violent shake and let out a growl. 

'Dee: 

Since you have no protection for your staff, here is a gift. Remember to feed him raw eggs and bacon and keep him exercised. (He enjoys tackling fangirls, especially.) His name is Pipann. 

~Miss Cam 

P.S. Don't thank me, I have more than enough running around OFUM, thank you very much' 

Dee looked at the box gleefully, ignoring Daine's question of 'what is it?'. Eagerly, she pulled at the edge of the box, trying to pry it open. 

When the only thing she accomplished was splinters, she looked for something to pry it _with_. 

Daine was holding a crowbar. Dee reached for it, but the seventeen year old pulled it out of her reach. "_Now_ will you tell me what it is?" she asked. 

Dee grinned. "It's a mini-Balrog to guard the staff section!" she said excitedly. "And his name's Pipann!" 

Daine looked at the box cautiously. "Are you sure it is...safe?" 

Dee shrugged. "As long as we keep him feed, he'll be fine. And he won't _kill_ the students. Much. Just sort of...keep them in line. Now, please, can I have the crowbar to open him up?" Her eyes misted over slightly. "I bet he's all cramped and uncomfortable and lonely in there. He needs some love and attention..." 

Daine glanced apprehensively at the box, which rattled again. "If you're sure..." she said. She hesitated a moment more, then handed over the bar. 

Dee happily pried open the box, and the mini flew out. He blinked in the sudden light, looked at both teens, then sat on the desk. 

Dee gave a small, slightly fangirlish squeal, and raced over to her 'pet'. "Hello, my widdle Pipann. Is you a cutie face? Yes you is, yes you is..." she cooed. "Little Pipann _loves_ Dee, doesn't he?" She reached out to pat the mini. 

"I would say not," said Daine, suppressing a laugh as Pipann bit Dee on the finger. 

"That's not funny!" Dee screeched at the older girl. "Ow ow ow ow..." She stared at her finger. "It's _burnt_, too!" she yelled. 

"Well, he _is_ fiery..." said Daine consolingly. 

Pipann merely gave a small yawn and fell asleep on the desk next to his box as Dee headed out to find someone who could heal her burnt and bitten finger. It looked like it was going to be interesting around here, with or without students. 

~~~~~~ 

A/N: Hoo boy. Am I cut out to do this? Will Pipann be able to protect the multitude of staff from any and all students? And when will the students get here? You'll have to stay tuned! 

Remember: To sign up, use the form on my bio and email it to me. Any forms sent by reviews will be ignored. However, comment, criticisms, and points people liked will be considered. Flames will be used to keep the fireplaces a-burning. ^-^ 

* Nunquam lamiae morde me dice: Latin for 'Never say, "bite me" to a vampire'. Sound advice if I ever heard it. 

Oh, and Dee's baby talk is meant to sound strange, and grammatically incorrect. I based it off of how I talk to my dog. O.o" 


	2. An almostfight and an enrollment

Disclaimer: The original OFUM belongs to Miss Cam. I'm not worthy to kiss the ground she's walked on. Well, okay, maybe I am, but still, the rights to this are hers, not mine. Got it? Good. Mini-Balrogs are hers too. The characters all belong to their respective authors, except Dee (she's mine) and Laura (she's mine too). 

Brief A/N: I've decided to start this school now, when there aren't any problems, to prevent problems in the future. To sign up, use the form on my bio and email the completed form to me at the email in the bio. Thanks! ^.^ Laura's spelling/grammar mistakes are intentional. Don't worry, my IQ hasn't dropped _ that_ much over the summer... 

~~~ 

Laura sat at her computer staring happily at her screen. There it was, the perfect story. It just needed the perfect ending to match the perfect plot and perfect characters. 

She paused for a moment, then eagerly reached forward to type in the last few sentences: 

'And Howl said 'Wow, Lauren, you DO have all thee pwerrs of a Fier Demon, So I will marry you, and Sophie can marry your brother,a nd we will be a family together!!!!!!' 

And Lauren said 'Yes, Howl , that would be good, because I LOOOVE you so much, but Calcifer cant live hear, because our powers would cause the world to bee destroyed!!!!' And they lived happi;ly every after!! Send me lots of preety reviews ppl!!' 

With a self-satisfied grin, Laura saved her masterpiece, and sent it through to the Internet. Within a few hours, everyone would be able to enjoy 'The Fire Demon Princess'. Laura thought dreamily about all the wonderful reviews she'd get. Oh, sure, there be some strange people flaming her perfect story, telling her to use spell-check and other stupid, unnecessary stuff, but they weren't anything to worry about. What mattered was the praise from the _smart_ people around the world. 

Yawning, Laura turned off the computer screen, ignoring its tortured-sounding beeps from being party to this crime against fantasy fanfiction. 

~~~ 

"Oh, dear," said Dee, looking at the badfic early-warning device. "Oh, this is very, very bad." She picked the scroll off the floor, where it had fallen after the device had--quite literally--spat it out. "Spelling errors galore, ignoring canon occurrences, causing events to eventuate,"--Dee smacked herself on the head, reminding herself not to spend so much time speaking to PPC agents--"causing events to _happen_ to help an original character..." The girl sighed. "Forced enrollment for this one." 

At that moment, the door to the teachers' lounge was flung violently open and a red-haired, rather short woman stalked in, followed by a handsome man. "Gods curse it, how many times must a person kill someone before he remains _dead_!" She pointed to her dark-haired follower, who was looking highly amused at the entire display. "This makes _twice_ that he's been brought back. _Twice_! What must someone _do_ to ensure someone else's _eternal_ stay in the Black God's realm?" she demanded. 

Dee, rather frightened--for all that the redhead was an inch or so shorter, the older woman was deadly with a sword--backed away quickly. "I'm sorry Alanna, but he's to teach a class." 

Alanna's violet eyes flashed. "And what class could the Duke Roger teach?" she asked, voice dangerously low. 

"Now, now, dear Alanna. You of all people should have figured it out. 'How to Steal a Throne in Five Easy Steps', of course." The Duke looked superior. "It's an _essential_ course." 

Alanna snorted. "Essential? I doubt it. Now, 'Why girls are just as good', _that_ is essential class." 

Dee cleared her throat, interrupting what looked like the start of a promising staring contest. "Excuse my, my lord, my lady. But if you don't mind, we have a slightly more..._pressing_ matter to attend to. I need to borrow Alanna's services, if you please." 

Roger swept out of the room, his cape swirling majestically behind him. As he passed through the door, he couldn't resist a parting shot of "_my_ class is more important" before closing the door behind him. 

Alanna sniffed. "Can't believe we'd need someone like _him_." she said airily. "What did _you_ need, Dee?" she added. 

Dee pointed at the scroll. "That. It would seem that we have someone that desires a forced enrollment." 

Alanna picked up the scroll from the table where Dee had dropped it to mediate. Her eyes widened at she quickly read through the insipid story. "This is...an outrage. And it is not even supposedly happening to me or anyone in Tortall!" Her eyes widened. "Am I to assume you need a way into this..."She looked like she was going to say 'author', but apparently changed her mind, "_person_'s home?" 

"Yes, please." replied Dee. "And if you could accompany me? I can't get back on my own. After all, I'd like to give students a good _first_ impression at least." The teen grinned. "It makes the rest of the year that much more fun." 

~~~ 

Laura woke with a start. Squinting in the darkness, she thought she could make out two figures standing at the base of her bed and holding a whispered argument. 

"Are you _sure_ this is the right place?" asked the taller one. "It looks less...evil then I'd thought." 

The shorter one sniffed. "I'm positive. Besides, how evil could a fangirl's room look?" 

Laura stared at the strange people. "Um, who are you, and why are you in my room?" she asked in a slightly trembling voice. 

A globe of purple light lit up Laura's bedroom, illuminating the figures. The shorter one, who was holding the light, had bright red hair and violet eyes. The other one had more normal brown hair and hazel eyes, with a pair of glasses perched on her nose. 

It was the brown-haired one that spoke. "Right then. Laura Seule, you need help. You need to get your fanfic license." 

"My...what?" asked Laura, dazed by the fact that this girl knew her name. Fanfic license? Since when did people need one of those? 

"Fan-fic lic-ense." said the girl slowly. "A license to write fanfiction. You will be required to attend the Fantasy Fanfiction Schola for one full year. If you pass _all_ your classes, you will then have to pass the Big, Fat Test of Doom before you will be allowed to write Fantasy fanfiction again. Your classes are outlined in your enrollment papers, fill them out completely please. That is, if you wish to attend, of course. We await your enrollment, because believe me, you need this school." With a grin and a wave, the girl dropped some papers on Laura's bed before vanishing in a flash of violet light. 

"Well, that was...different," said Laura to the now-empty room. Shrugging, she picked up the papers. 

The top page had what had to be the enrollment form. Quickly, Laura read over it. Most of it looked like standard school forms, asking for her name, age, height, and so on. Some things were decidedly weird, like her greatest fear, magical ability, and species. Laura shook her head, turning over to look at the list of classes. 

Her jaw dropped. "Whaaaaat?" she exclaimed, reading over the courses. "'Immortals and their habits'? 'The Related Worlds'? 'Why I have nine lives and you don't'? What kind of crazy trip is this?" Laura paused. "It's dream. It has to be. I'll never eat Mom's homemade chili before bed again." The blond-haired girl looked at the sheets in her hand. "Well, since this is a chili-induce dream..." she said slowly, scanning the list. Suddenly she grinned, having caught sight of 'How to Deal with Fire Demons', taught by the Wizard Howl. "...Why not go for it?" 

Scribbling quickly in her loopy handwriting, Laura filled out the forms to the best of her ability. Dropping them onto her desk, she didn't notice in the dim light that they seemed to curl in onto themselves until they vanished. She was too busy dreaming of how she'd convince Howl to leave Sophie for her... 

~~~ 

A/N: Wow, now there's a student! Sorry this took so long, but teachers have decided that we need a lot of work right before our exams....I think they're trying to cram in all the stuff we didn't learn on time...^.^ Hope to get the next chapter up soon...Meaning sometime before I graduate. I love reviews; it helps me get better. And flames are used to keep the fireplaces burning, as usual. 


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